


Guilt

by 36degreecelcius



Category: History (Band), 히스토리
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 04:43:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7252537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/36degreecelcius/pseuds/36degreecelcius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They were just two people who’d found themselves in an unbelievably similar situation."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [20.06](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=20.06).



“Hello, this is Na Mental Health Counselor. How can I help you?”

 

A soft, warm voice greeted him from the other side of the line, the voice he’d grown familiar to during the past couple of months. He dropped himself on his bed, eyes panned upwards to the ceilings as he tried to push back the tears that’d been welling up. He let out a shaky sigh. “Hello, it’s me again, Jaeho,” he replied, trying not to sound like he was crying. The feeling of hopelessness crawled up his chest silently, its weight pressed against him and caused a slight, but constant, pain. 

 

“Oh, it’s you, how are you feeling?” The concern in the other’s voice warmed his heart, like it always did. “Have you been working on the sleep exercise I gave you?”

 

Actually not at all, Jaeho thought, although what he actually said was something completely different. “…Do you have some time tonight?” He wasn’t really in a mood to be a good patient.

 

There was a small ‘you didn’t answer my question’ sigh that Jaeho knew the other had a good reason for; this wasn’t the first time he’d disobeyed the psychiatrist’s prescriptions, and he had been warned a couple hundred times that skipping his sleep schedules would only worsen the symptoms and delay the curing process. He was well aware of that too, in fact, but during the passed weeks he’d found it more difficult than usual to keep up the exercise and would always end up crying to his pillow whenever he’s alone. Finding someone’s accompaniment, then, seemed to be the best solution he had, for now.

 

“My shift ends in two hours, if that’s okay for you.” The other answered after a short pause, and Jaeho had a slight grin of satisfaction on his lips.

 

“I’m free the whole night. I’ll be waiting at the same place.”

 

“…Okay.”

 

“See you there.”

 

“…Jaeho, are you okay?”

 

He paused, “no.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I’ll tell you when we meet.” He cut the man off, rolling himself off the bed and headed to the bathroom. “I…prefer it that way. See you there, Dokyun-hyung.”

 

—

 

_“Hey, I just wanna say that I really like your voice.”_

 

_The smaller man greeted him when they were walking pass each other in the cafeteria one afternoon, and Jaeho was confused for a moment before realizing it was a compliment._

 

_“Saw you on stage yesterday, it’s awesome.”_

 

_“Oh.” He honestly wasn’t expecting someone to be talking about the play he’d reluctantly participated in as a class project, and more importantly wasn’t expecting a feedback, especially this one; wasn’t it weird to just randomly compliment a stranger whom you happened to stumble across about their voice?_

 

_He replied awkwardly,“well, I guess the script and the melodies were good so…”_

 

_“No, no I mean just your voice. Your pure voice.” The comment was as direct and sincere as how intensely the other was looking at him right now, and he felt even more awkward. “The kinda voice I’m looking for for my project actually.”_

 

_“…Project?”_

 

_“Yeah, I wanna produce an album, kind of. I got the lyrics and like eighty percent BGM completed.” He smiled, it was the smile that Jaeho had gotten accustomed with during the following months that they’d become very close friends to each other. He could still picture it even now._

 

_“Hey, come find me if you’re interested. Name’s Jang Yijeong, I’m always at the sound lab; building one, fourth floor. Gotta go, bye!”_

 

_—_

 

“Hello, this is Na Mental Health Counselor. How can I help-”

 

“Hyung, it’s me.”

 

“…Jaeho? What are you doing? You should be sleeping now if you really want this exercise to work-”

 

“Not now, hyung.” His voice was shaking as he spoke rapidly, he felt another wave of tears dropping down his cheeks like a waterfall. “Hyung, I tried, but it keeps happening. I shouldn’t have introduced them to each other. If I’d known this would happen I won’t even think about it in the first place…!”

 

“Jaeho, calm down. You’ve been worrying about it too much, maybe you’re just overthinking.”

 

“Hyung, I know what I saw. They’re seeing each other, it’s too obvious.” He buried his face into his knees, his body trembled as he spoke, his voice sounded like a murmur. “And I’m going to the gym with him tomorrow.”

 

“…You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

 

“I know…but I don’t want them to suspect. They’re my friends.”

 

“…Jaeho, listen, there’s no point worrying about it for now, you’re just hurting yourself.”

 

“…I…I don’t know what to do…”

 

“Relax, don’t think about it for now, okay?” 

 

“…” 

 

“If you focus too closely, you won’t find an exit, so step back, take a deep breath, yeah, like that. We’ll figure something out.”

 

—

 

_“Kyungil-hyung, this is Yijeong, media and sound engineering majored. We’re working together for an album,” he said, introducing to one of his seniors the younger friend he’d got very close to during the past weeks. “And Yijeong, this is Kyungil-hyung, one of my seniors, majors in contemporary dance.”_

 

_“Nice to meet you.” The older said, and Yijeong replied the same. They shook hands._

 

—

 

Song Kyungil was one of the first people he’d met during his first days at university, and they’d become close through a co-class project they’d both participated in. Jaeho took responsibility in taking care of the dancers, while Kyungil was part of the dance crew, and so their friendship grew throughout the four whole weeks of the production, during which Jaeho’d come to idolized the other’s physics. “How did you get those muscles?” he’d asked, and wasn’t quite surprised that Kyungil told him his hobby was working out at the gym. 

 

“I workout too,” he replied, “but apparently not as hard as you.”

 

Kyungil chuckled, “wanna come with me then? I’m going to the gym after this.”

 

“Oh,” he paused, hesitated. Personally, Jaeho wasn’t quite used to invitations; it took his high school friends almost two years to finally got him going to an amusement park, and another half for a nightclub, of which he ended up getting drunk within the first thirty minutes and was brought back home shortly after. It was just him having a little too sensitive personal bubble, probably a habit he’d unconsciously developed going through his teenage, despite the fact that he might appear an easy-going person. Eventually, though, he’d agreed to the invitation nonetheless.

 

It turned out quite enjoyable, for both of them, and there began his and Kyungil’s routine workout. Every two days, or around three times a week, the pair would go to the gym; Kyungil would teach or give him extra advice for exercising certain body parts, and Jaeho kept the older company. 

 

Things were going well. Even when Yijeong came and they’d become close friends for a while.

 

Until that day he saw them kissing in Yijeong’s sound lab.

 

—

 

They were just two people who’d found themselves in an unbelievably similar situation.

 

Hanging out and sharing drinks had become what they sought out for escape. He and Jaeho, just the two of them. The place was a club not too far from Dokyun’s clinic, decorated plainly with wooden furnitures and peaceful jazz music that helped relief their stress. Every time they feel down, though it was mostly Jaeho, coming to the place and having conversations together had always been both their physical and psychological solutions. It’d been a month and a little since they’d started this ‘ritual,’ and today was one of them.

 

“You’re drinking too much,” Dokyun pointed out, resting his arms on the table as he watched the younger swallowing his third glass of beer, after spending several nights hanging out together, he’d come to the conclusion that Jaeho wasn’t a good drinker. “Don’t you have classes tomorrow?”

 

“…I do. But fuck them I hate classes.” Jaeho replied, his cheeks already turned reddish when he took another gulp. “I hate being there at all.”

 

“No you don’t, you’re just drunk.”

 

“I don’t care. And it’s not like anyone would anyway…” There was a slight tremble in his voice, and Dokyun knew that by ‘anyone’ the younger was actually very specific. 

 

“…I hate that I love him, too god damn much.” He mumbled.

 

Dokyun narrowed his eyes, then placed his hand on the smaller’s shoulder, sighed as he replied, “I understand.”

 

Jaeho gave him a painful look. “How do you do it?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Do what you’re doing right now. Live normally, stay calm, bear all these…feelings…when you’re with him or even when you know he already had someone-”

 

“Jaeho, stop. Please. I don’t wanna think about it.” He cut him off, didn’t realize his grip was tightening as a sharp, flash of pain sliced through his chest. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and tried to chase away whatever was coming back, threatening his peaceful mind. As the matter of fact, he hadn’t been in a much better situation than his patient, and his heart was actually as wounded as the younger’s. The only difference between them was probably just that, for his case, his three-year-long crush had already got married, while Jaeho’s just started being love birds.

 

_…It hurt him every god damn time, just thinking about his name, and that was what he hated the most. He should’ve been happy, he should’ve gone to the other’s wedding, congratulate him, smile for him. They’d been friends since their freshmen year, and now everything had gone to waste, because he started having feelings for him._

 

_Sihyoung, I’m so sorry…._

 

“…I’m sorry.”

 

Dokyun startled, suddenly brought back from his thoughts. He noticed that Jaeho’s dark-brown eyes were looking directly at him, he gave the younger a smile. “No, no, there’s nothing to be sorry for. You’ve…we’re pretty much the same.”

 

Jaeho fell into a short silent, then replied, “…thank you, hyung.”

 

There was a pause, of relief and gratitude, of the fact that at least there was still another person who understood him, whom he could just come hang out with and escape from the maze he’d got himself trapped in. Jaeho didn’t say anything, but instead leaned in and hugged the older loosely. Dokyun hugged him back, felt the smaller anatomy in his arms. How long has it been since he last hugged someone?

 

“Me too.” He chuckled, before a thought flashed in his head. “Hey, there’s a game center not far from here, wanna go check it out?”

 

There was a surprised “oh,” then the younger gave him a challenging look, a grin appeared on his face. “You sure hyung? I might just beat you in every game.”

 

“Whoa, don’t get too confident kid. We’ll see.”

 

—

 

It was almost midnight when they finally got themselves out of the game center, both were still laughing at each other while walking back to Dokyun’s clinic. As expected, Jaeho had beaten Dokyun in almost every game and with the scores that’d made Dokyun suspect whether the other cheated. Luckily he still had bowling, the one sport he was particularly confident of his expertise. They chit-chatted about almost everything along the way, and almost didn’t realize they’d arrived at their destination when they did. The two stopped at the corner of the white building.

 

“…But seriously though, where did you learn to play bowling?” The younger asked, still fascinated, “those strikes were sick!”

 

Dokyun chuckled, “well, I used to go play with…him…” there was a painful look flashed across his face, but he smiled and continued, “…but it was long time ago, since we were freshmen.”

 

“…Oh.” Jaeho regretted almost immediately, “hyung I didn’t mean to…I’m-”

 

“No, don’t say sorry. You did nothing wrong.” He held his hand forward to stop the younger and gave him a reassuring nod, “tonight’s been good, really. I hadn’t had this much fun since, I don’t know, since a long time ago.”

 

The younger smiled. “Me too. Thank you, hyung. For everything.”

 

“Thank you, too.”

 

“…Why are you thanking me? I’m your patient.” Jaeho pointed out, giggling.

 

“Did you just call yourself a patient?” Dokyun chuckled and gave the other a weak hit in the shoulder, “you’re the one who started calling me ‘Dokyun-hyung,’ instead of ‘Dr. Na’.”

 

“Oh? Did I?”

 

“Yeah, and now we’re playing _Tekken_. That’s not what doctors do with their patients.”

 

“So…it’s my fault we’re not ‘Dr. Na’ and ‘patient Jaeho’ ?”

 

“Yes.” Dokyun replied and they both shared a laugh.

 

Their voice echoed in the empty streets where the chill wind of autumn blew softly, brought with it the smell of the upcoming winter, brushing against and caused the leaves to dance along. The moon rose high, shining its bright beam in a smooth, peaceful shade of yellow. There was a short pause, the two stood together and let the tranquil environment take their worries away, before Jaeho began to speak again.

 

“…We are so weird though,” he said quietly, not meeting the older’s eyes.

 

Dokyun turned, tilting his head in confusion. “Why would you say that?”

 

“Like, how we got ourselves here. I bet most people wouldn’t be able to live like this.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“I mean, our situation right now is actually quite comical, if you think about it.” There was a slight, noticeable seriousness in the younger’s tone, Dokyun noted, although he knew the other didn’t intend it to be so. It was rather an observation—a fact, one might say—than an opinion. He heard a soft sigh. 

 

“…The fact that we’re two people who hang out with each other on, say, weekly basis, but always wish we’re someone else entirely,” Jaeho spoke, then turned to look at him, “…isn’t that weird?”

 

There was a bolt of pain slashing somewhere deep in his heart. Jaeho’s statement hit him not only because it was true, but also because it was sad. It was a very weird sadness that both of them had been avoiding, because they tend to just cut off any complication and enjoy themselves. They weren’t brave enough to admit it, because there were guilt and pity that pricked their chests like countless thorns. It’s painful, but at the same time it’d become something consensual, and eventually normal; they fulfilled each other’s loneliness, yet their heart had always been empty. He’d always wished it wasn’t Jaeho who’s sitting here beside him.

 

“Yeah…” Dokyun nodded, returning the other’s gaze, “I guess we really are weird in that regard.”

 

The younger smiled, a dim chuckled escaped his mouth. “And we’re even weirder talking about it.”

 

“…Well, you brought it up, it’s not my fault.”

 

“It is, ‘cause you share the same view.”

 

“No it’s not.”

 

“Yes it is.”

 

“…Jaeho, I…”

 

“You know, I’d have kissed you if you’re Kyungil-hyung.”

 

“…What?!” That was very sudden.

 

“I mean, look around,” Jaeho chuckled, “empty streets, sky’s beautiful, and there’s just two of us. Perfect scenario for a romantic kiss.”

 

Dokyun froze for a moment, before nodded slowly afterwards, he watched as the younger moved his eyes to their surroundings, those lips were smiling, yet Dokyun guessed he was probably crying on the inside because of what he just said aloud. He wasn’t that much different, after all. 

 

He took a deep breath, “…then do it.”

 

“…Huh?” Jaeho startled and turned to his direction. That was also very sudden. 

 

“If you’re Sihyoung, I’d have done the same. So if it’ll make you—us—feel better, then kiss me.”

 

Jaeho looked shocked, his expression was as if he was just told Godzilla was real.

 

“…Jaeho, just do it.” Dokyun repeated, reassuring his statement as he moved himself closer towards him, there was no hesitation in his eyes. “I want it.”

 

The other raised his brows, a glimpse of confusion was there but he chased it away the moment later. They both knew what they wanted, but they knew better that those wishes weren’t possible. This, hence, was probably the best they could afford; another escape portal from the unsatisfying reality. They stood right in front of each other, Jaeho avoided Dokyun’s gaze for a short bit of time before deciding to put his arms around the older’s neck. There eyes met, and Jaeho let out a shy, quiet chuckle, “this is gonna be the weirdest thing we’ve ever done.”

 

“Of all the things you could’ve said,” Dokyun smiled, leaning in, “shut up.” 

 

His lips then met Jaeho’s.

 

It was just a brush at first, which sent a shock across Dokyun’s spines. Then excitement, as well as sadness, hopes, joy, stress, and a messed wave of emotions overwhelmed all his senses as he leaned in for a more passionated, deeper kiss, and he grasped the younger’s soft, pink lips as if it was his last and only chance. Both moaned in satisfaction, yet Dokyun heard himself crying the loudest of his voice, he felt his tears welling up in his closed eyes, and suddenly, in the middle of the never-ending darkness, he saw him. The tall, athletic figure with his hair black as night, his eyes sharp and beautiful like those of a cat, and his deep voice when he called ‘Dokyun-hyung’ echoed in his ears. Dokyun heard his own screams from a corner in his heart, _“Sihyoung, Sihyoung, Sihyoung…”_ was all it said, and he wished, even though he knew it wouldn’t come true even the slightest, that it was Sihyoung he was kissing, not Jaeho.

 

…When they parted, his cheeks were already wet with tears, his body trembled as he sobbed, his arms tightening its grasp around Jaeho’s waist. He buried his face in the smaller’s shoulder and murmured repeatedly, “I’m so sorry…”

 

“It’s okay, hyung, we did our best.” Jaeho wasn’t much different, his voice was shaky as he spoke, and Dokyun could feel his arms tightened around his neck.

 

—

 

For a long moment they stood there in silence, no one said a word as both were trying to let it all sink in—all the emotions, memories, wishful thoughts, even self-pity, mixed up into a bitter pile of something that they struggled to swallow. Dokyun glanced at his watch, it was one in the morning.

 

“…Did it make you feel better?” He asked quietly, as if whispering, yet still earned himself a surprised sound since the other was still lost in his thoughts. He turned to look at Jaeho, and the other then at him; those eyes had turned salmon-red as the result of him crying, his lips were also still somewhat reddish, not yet recovered from their kiss, and his hands, propped up his to chin, were also red from the coldness of the autumn night. He let out a low chuckle, “you’re all red.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Your eyes, your hands,” Dokyun pointed at each part, “your lips…now your cheeks too.”

 

Jaeho snapped, “you’re not that much different, hyung,” then turned the other way, avoiding his gaze. Understandable, he thought. It was undeniable that what had happened just minutes ago was still vivid in their minds, even to Dokyun himself; it wasn’t his first but was sure one of the most emotional kiss he’d ever had.

 

“…So did it make you feel better?” He repeated his question.

 

The younger went silent for a moment, before murmuring a “…yeah.” 

 

“Me too,” he smiled faintly, feeling a strange lightness in his chest. “…Thank you so much, Jaeho.”

 

“…Me too,” replied the younger, now looking at him, “thank you, Dokyun-hyung.”

 

The older nodded, before getting himself up, “it’s pretty late now. You should go back to your dorm.”

 

The other raised his brows and glanced at his watch, “…oh.”

 

“…You want me to walk you there? I mean I can, it’s not too faraway.”

 

Jaeho shook his head. “It’s fine. I just…want some time alone. I’ll be okay.”

 

“…Okay then.” He replied, “good night, Jaeho.”

 

“…Good night, hyung.”

 

The two broke apart, walking on two separated paths, one leading to the college dorm, the other to a medium sized house. Dokyun was still overwhelmed by piles of scattered thoughts and mixed emotions, his mind was still a mess, like an office hit by a hurricane, and he would be needing a whole night at least to sort out and put everything into pieces. He wished he didn’t have a morning shift tomorrow, he just wanted to crash on his bed and take as much time he needed to think about this whole complications, although his clinic didn’t allow that much room for procrastination. 

 

He sighed. Back to the real world, Na Dokyun.

 

He was about to turn at the corner of the streets when he heard a voice calling from afar, it was Jaeho’s.

 

“…Hyung! We can still hang out together, right?” 

 

Dokyun raised his brows, a bit surprised, but then let out a chuckle as he realized it wasn’t a question. It was, in fact, forgiveness. God damn it this kid, he thought, couldn’t help but smiled to himself. 

 

“Sure!” he shouted back.

 

“I’ll call you then!” The answer sounded quieter as Jaeho started walking his way.

 

“I’ll be waiting!” he replied, smiling as he turned and walked himself back home.


End file.
